


Permanent

by tremblingapathetic



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek Takes Care Of Stiles, Derek and Stiles are Mates, Drabble, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sick Stiles, Stiles Stilinski Dies, Stiles Stilinski Has Cancer, What Have I Done, sterek, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 10:00:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3484046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tremblingapathetic/pseuds/tremblingapathetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love you," Derek whispers. It's not something he says often. He does, of course, love Stiles more than he's ever loved anyone or anything. That's how mates work. Stiles knows how Derek feels, and Derek's always letting him know he's loved in ways that don't involve saying it. These three words are saved for special moments when Derek needs Stiles to know that, no matter what happens, he loves him. Moments like now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Permanent

**Author's Note:**

> See the end notes for trigger warnings.  
> I have the flu and between my fever and my meds I'm kind of out of it. This seems like it makes sense but it could be a total crackfic and I just don't realize it because I'm all dopey right now? Idk. But it's very angsty and sad I'm so sorry please don't hate me. I've never experienced cancer or been particularly close to it, so I have no idea what it's really like. This is just what my mind produced.   
> The title is taken from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb3EDQM9NXg) which, if you go listen to it, don't imagine Derek is the one singing it because it will BREAK YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY. Don't do it.

Derek sits in Stiles' computer chair and stares angrily out the window. This isn't fair. It isn't fair that Stiles is sick. It isn't fair that Derek is losing him. It isn't fair that he can't even touch Stiles without hurting him anymore. 

"Derek?" Stiles' voice is weak and raspy, partially from sleep and partially from vomiting earlier. Derek tears his gaze away from the window to look at Stiles. He looks awful, his skin paler and his eyes sunken in. His face is gaunt and his hair has long since fallen out. Derek feels like crying, This isn't fair.

"Stiles," he breathes. "What's wrong?"

Stiles offers him a weak smile. "Can we watch a movie? Return of the Jedi?" Derek knows that Stiles likes to watch Return of the Jedi when he's hurting worse than usual. It calms Stiles down, for God knows what reason. Derek was never a fan, but now that the movie means that  Stiles is in  pain he hates it even more. Stiles usually falls asleep before the opening credits are done rolling, though, and Derek takes solace in knowing that Stiles doesn't hurt when he's asleep.  He nods weakly as he hurries to put the DVD in the player and then sinks back into the computer chair.

Months ago, Derek would have curled himself around Stiles, pressed soft little kisses to his shoulder as they watched the movie. Then one day, the brush of Derek's stubble had caused Stiles to suck in a sharp gasp of pain. Derek's been clean-shaven since that day, but he still can't touch Stiles without causing him to wince. Stiles swears that he's okay, that he wants Derek to hold him, but Derek can't stand knowing that he's hurting his boyfriend. This isn't fair.

"Derek, please cuddle with me," Stiles whimpers. Derek shakes his head stiffly. Stiles asks him every time they watch the movie, and Derek refuses each time for fear of causing him  pain. "Please, Derek," he whispers. Derek shakes his head, knowing that he'll smell the salty tang of tears pricking at Stiles' eyes in a moment. He hates it, but he's prepared for it.  This is the routine. "I don't know how much longer I have," Stiles chokes out before he begins to cry. This isn't part of the routine. Derek isn't prepared for the desperation in Stiles' voice or the fear he smells. "The doctor said it could be any day now , Der. I don't know anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my time missing your touch."

Derek's own eyes fill with tears. He wants Stiles to be lying. He wants Stiles to be acting like a mischi evous little shit right now, putting on a show just to guilt Derek into a cuddle session. There's no blip in his heartbeat, though, no lie to be heard. Stiles is dying. This isn't fair. The cancer is ruining him, the chemo isn't working, his life is ending. This isn't fair. It's not fair. "Stiles," Derek says helplessly. "Stiles, no." His voice breaks. He rises from the chair and lowers himself as carefully as he can into the bed. He doesn't pull Stiles closer, just puts his hand on Stiles' chest and wills the sickness out. His veins feel like they're filled with fire, and the blackness of Stiles' pain  climbs up Derek's arm.

"Derek," Stiles warns gently. They’ve tried this before, and it ended with Derek passing out. They've tried having a pack healing session, with all the wolves taking Stiles' pain at once. They all passed out, too, and woke up to a crying Stiles covered in his own bloody vomit.  _I had a panic attack_ ,  he'd told them.  _ I'm sorry.  I promise I'll clean it up. I'm sorry. _  Derek stops before it's too much this time, knows that pushing himself too far will just upset Stiles. 

"I love you," Derek whispers. It's not something he says often. He does, of course, love Stiles more than he's ever  loved anyone or anything. That's how mates work. Stiles knows how Derek feels, and Derek's always letting  him know he's loved in ways that don't involve saying it. The se three words are saved for special moments when Derek needs Stiles to know that, no matter what happens, he loves him. Moments like now. 

"I know," is Stiles' quiet response. "I love you too, big guy."

"Marry me."

"Derek."

"I mean it. Marry me."

"I'm  dying ," Stiles says weakly. "You can't wait until I'm dying and then just be all like, hey, marry me. That's so lame, man."

Derek heaves a sigh and kisses his boyfriend's temple. They'll talk about this more after Stiles has his nap.

 

Derek wakes up to the smell of death. Stiles is awake beside him, but just barely. His heartbeat is slow and faltering, his eyes are halfway shut. 

"Stiles," Derek whimpers.

"I love you," Stiles croaks at him. His voice is so soft, so faint, so barely there.

" _Stiles_ ," Derek repeats. He feels like he's been punched in the chest, the gut, the throat, the everything. He feels like the world just sucker punched him a thousand times. 

"The answer is yes." One of Derek's tears drop unto Stiles' cheek, and Stiles doesn't seem to notice. "I would have married you."

" Stiles, " Derek sobs. Apparently losing the love of your life, the reason for your existe nce, leaves you unable to really say anything but their name. "Stiles, no... please don't leave me."

"I love you," Stiles repeats as his eyes close. His heartbeat starts to slow and Derek's begins to pound. No, no,  no,  Derek can't lose him. He does the one thing Stiles made him promise not to do: he sinks his fangs into Stiles' bony shoulder. 

"Stiles, please, no, don't leave me," Derek gasps. His face is wet, and he's not sure how much of it is from his own tears and how much of it is from Stiles' blood. "Please, no, I love you. I love you so much, baby, please. Please. Don't leave me. My beautiful boy, don't-- don't," he sobs. He's never allowed himself to outright cry in front of Stiles, but Stiles' heartbeat is so slow and faint now that Derek doesn't think Stiles is still alive enough to hear him. The bite didn't take, Derek waited too long.

Derek buries his face in Stiles' hair and prays to a God that he's never believed in. He prays to a Buddha. He prays to an Allah. He prays to anything out there, any number of beings that could possibly bring back his precious, perfect Stiles. He doesn't think any of them hear, because the only thing that happens is one last shaky breath, and then that's it. Stiles is gone.

"I love you," Derek whispers one last time. 

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, as mentioned in the tags, there's cancer and death in this. There's also a brief mention of a panic attack, two mentions of vomit/vomiting (not graphic, don't worry!), and a mention or two of blood. Also, Derek bites Stiles. There's also a mention of Derek praying to multiple deities he doesn't believe in, implying that he's atheist.


End file.
